Terrible Tuesdays: If It Grows In Poo, It’s For You? Sick Freaks!

10 Jan

Fatman is yet again gracing us with his writing prowess. This time for Terrible Tuesday! Enjoy!

With all due respect to DennisF (mayonnaise), K-Teb (pickles) and M_M (bananas) in their previous Terrible Tuesdays posts, you’re all wrong. While I would have to agree with DennisF that mayo is flat-out nasty, I can’t think of anything more repulsive, more disgusting, yet somehow  more polarizing than any other “food” on the planet than…mushrooms. Ewwwwwwwww. I gag at just writing that word. For all of you mushroom lovers out there…eat shit. Oh wait, you already do. Well, you at least eat something that grows in the dark…in shit. And you swear by it. WTF?!?!

Seriously? C’mon people. “Eat shit” is only a saying!

I have previously written that bacon, cheese and BBQ sauce make everything better. I lied. There is nothing in this world that can make mushrooms taste good. Grill them. Sautee them. Drown them in bacon, cheese and BBQ sauce and you will still be left with the most dirty and vile of the vile. The smell. The texture. The taste. Heck, even the appearance. Mushrooms look like Cosmo Kramer took his meat slicer to an alien. Gray alien looking shit. Heck, it may actually be alien shit.

And if mushrooms as a food aren’t good enough, you are in luck – they double as a hallucinogen. And I am here to tell you…they ALL suck. Including the drug. And to be clear…I have tried them all (just one time on the illegal kind). Though, the caps did lead me to the munchies and having my very first Jamaican Beef Patties while vacationing in the British Virgin Islands following college graduation. Ahhh, when at the Bomba Shack on Tortola 🙂

Fatman returns to The Bomba Shack 10 years after the ‘shroom tasting.

You will never read anything I write — criticizing or giving propos to — that I have not personally tried myself. Mushrooms are just gross. And you KNEW this was coming from Fatman: DO NOT even get me started on putting these dirty, slimy piece shit on pizza. People that do this had better damn well be on the drug first.

I can see Bostonians adding shit-based food to shitty pizza, but shit, man!

While I may have failed to be as eloquent in illustrating my hatred of mushrooms in the written form a la my aforementioned The Eats blogging peers, I prefer to “take it to the streets”. Look no further than the Facebook page for Mushroom Haters – “A place for mushroom haters everywhere to discuss their hatred for mushrooms”.

There is a reason they are called SHIiTake

When you eat something nasty, they say you turn green. Well mushrooms are so nasty that if you lived in a village of them, you’d turn blue. If you don’t get that reference, you are too young!

Fatman signing off — hint coming — la, la, la la la la…la, la la la la.

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5 Responses to “Terrible Tuesdays: If It Grows In Poo, It’s For You? Sick Freaks!”

  1. Ben L January 10, 2012 at 11:11 am #

    Completely disagree with Fatman. In fact, I think mushrooms make everything taste better! Mushrooms on pizza, mushrooms on burgers, mushrooms sautéed with onions over a nice piece of beef…ah, I can taste the wonderful mushrooms already. Thanks for making me hungry, Fatman!

    • Fatman January 10, 2012 at 11:18 am #

      You’ve “BenL” because you have been eating mushrooms, Ben L.

  2. michaelpg (@michaelpg) January 10, 2012 at 11:12 am #

    i really try to like mushrooms… but i just hate them.

  3. cdog January 10, 2012 at 11:21 am #

    I have to say, I disagree with Fatman. I love mushrooms. In fact I’d eat just mushrooms for a whole meal. I love the fungus among us!

  4. billbrenner1970 January 10, 2012 at 4:34 pm #

    I’m with Fatman to a point. I hate raw mushrooms. I also despise shitake (or however it’s spelled) mushrooms. But when properly cooked and sauteed, I’ll eat ’em, especially with steak. As for DennisF, I never take his likes and dislikes seriously, because he doesn’t share my enthusiasm for coffee.

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