Terrible Tuesdays – Who hates bananas?

13 Dec

This guy does… and he’s pretty convincing too.

Guest post by M_M

Combining the noun “shit” with food isn’t very appetizing, but for today we’ll make the exception. For instance, shit I won’t eat equals stuff I won’t eat. Like bananas and coconut.

Bananas are for monkeys. They’re for kids to use as pretend telephones. They’re yellow. They smell putrid–like nothing else in this world. And oh yeah, every banana-loving yuppie-creep yahoo tells you bananas are good for you. I ain’t buyin’ that shit; I ain’t eatin’ that shit.

Banana bread, banana splits, banana smoothies: gross, gross and fuckin gross. Don’t try to slip in any chocolate chips into the banana bread and call it edible; no thanks. That’s one place I’m all for segregation. No amount of hot fudge is going to make a banana split palatable, either. And don’t get me started on smoothies.

If there’s a speck of bananas in something I’m expected to eat, I will find it. “You’ll never taste it!” My ass. I found it. It’s right here; this mess of mush that looks like mashed potatoes and snot put through a food processor that smells like a chewed piece of Juicy Fruit. That’s the banana. Right there. Found it. Told ya so. Ugh.

And that smell. God, bananas try to pass themselves off as sweet, wonderful, wholesome treats of goodness. Well let me tell you, they stink, and stink as in smell bad. And they’re sneaky, all wrapped up in that thick dead skin pretending to be something worthwhile. Never mind that I’m not working that hard for anything I have to eat, there’s no other foodstuff goes from green to yellow to brown in the matter of three days and still merits the praise bananas get; it baffles my mind.

Bananas are gross. Coconut is worse. I didn’t bring up texture in my banana rant because I was saving it for this horrid thing everyone ooohs and aaahs about and dredges their shrimp in. I’d rather forget to de-vein my shrimp, leave it out in the sun and then dip it banana-flavored shrimp cocktail than eat coconut.

This shit is gross. Who is the first dumb bastard who tripped over a hairy, brown candlepin bowling ball on some tropical island, decided to smash it in a fit of rage, saw the mothball-colored stuff, er, shit, inside and decided to give it a taste? He’s not invited to my next banana-bread bakeoff. Coconut is vile. People shave it, scrape it, toast it, spread it – ugh, sounds like what you do with dead skin. By the way is what coconut tastes like. There is no taste. It’s just this nastified crunch that pollutes desserts and breads and shrimps to a point where they’re rendered useless to humanity.

See my banana rant, too, about finding a speck of this stuff, er, shit, in anything where it’s present. I will find it; even if a single misplaced coconut shaving jumped ship from the Magic Cookie Bars to my (insert any other non-coconut desert here), I will find the lone fleck. And it will skeeve me out. My teeth will grind. My nose will scrunch up. I will scowl. I will heave the dessert and/or food into the nearest trash receptacle and move on with my life with a foul taste in my mouth.

Coconut must be banned, as must bananas. You can live without Malibu rum, banana pudding, or God forbid baked bananas with coconut. Take that shit outta here, I ain’t eating it.

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One Response to “Terrible Tuesdays – Who hates bananas?”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Terrible Tuesdays: If It Grows In Poo, It’s For You? Sick Freaks! « The Eats - January 10, 2012

    […] all due respect to DennisF (mayonnaise), K-Teb (pickles) and M_M (bananas) in their previous Terrible Tuesdays posts, you’re all wrong. While I would have to agree with […]

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