Slices Of Heaven On Slices Of Heaven

20 Nov

Guest Post By Fatman

What makes everything better? While cheese and BBQ sauce are always at the top of my list to that question, if you have read this blog AT ALL, you know the answer is…BACON! Okay Bostonians, get ready. Here comes some Fatman props when it comes to pizza. And it likely will never happen again, so embrace it. Wait for itttttttt…

Hats off to you for introducing me to bacon as a pizza topping. You read that right. Upon moving to Boston in 2004, I never had or even heard of bacon as a topping option for pizza! Perhaps it was because during all of my years in New York, I never noticed or never really needed toppings to make the slices better. While I did occasionally order sausage (sliced, not crumbled) or pepperoni slices when plain cheese just wouldn’t get it done, bacon never even crossed my mind as something to put on pizza. Until that one fateful day…

I remember it like it was yesterday. It was a cold, blustery evening in the Winter of 2004. A work colleague had invited me to join his weekly poker game. We gathered at his house for a night of Texas Hold ‘Em, some drinks, some laughs, and of course…some eats. As everyone arrived and we got settled into play, it was clear that pizza was on the agenda for dinner. In typical New Yorker fashion, I scoffed at the mere notion that it would be any good, to which five sets of eyeballs rolled back at me and the conversation continued as if they had heard this before. “Okay, what toppings do we want?” asked the guy placing the order. The host for the evening said, “Let’s get one cheese, one pepperoni and one bacon.” I immediately stopped shuffling the cards, looked up and said, “EXCUSE ME…BACON?!?!” As the look of shock, amazement and anticipation all wrapped into one rolled across my face, in return I was met with five dumbfounded looks and once more, five sets of rolling eyes. One of the two Italian “brothers” in the game annoyingly shot back, “What, now you have a problem with our toppings too?!?!”

They didn’t understand. For me, this was an epiphany. My Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup moment. In over thirty years of pizza eating, I had stumbled across something new, so perfect. How could I have never even thought of this before? Cue the inspirational music. In that instant, there was hope, light at the end of the tunnel. Perhaps pizza in Beantown could be salvaged and I didn’t have to give up on the one culinary staple that made Fatman into what he had become (c’mon, you can figure it out). An hour later the pizza arrived and I could swear that when the bacon topped pizza box opened, a radiant glow emanated from within and lit up the room with the most amazing warmth one could ever imagine. I salivated in anticipation and as I bit into my first slice of bacon pizza ever, a calming sensation took over my body, my being. When all of a sudden….cue the screeching halt sound and subsequent silence. The pizza sucked! BUT…it was all made tolerable because of that lovely pig product we all know and love. Dinner wasn’t a total loss. In fact, it was quite the opposite. What typically would have ended in my snide and condescending rhetorical question of, “So, you call that pizza?” ended with my not saying a word, but simply smiling from ear to ear, knowing I found something special. I was about to embark on the path to Boston pizza enlightenment, a journey that I never imagined possible.

Bacon: Making Boston Pizza Tolerable Since 2004

I know, I know. As you read this, you are still in amazement that Fatman, the self-proclaimed pizza snob-slash-guru never had bacon as a pizza topping. But what about Canadian bacon, you might ask. Well my friends, I am here to tell you that yes, in New York, Canadian bacon always was a topping option. I am also here to tell you that Canadian bacon is NOT bacon. It’s ham. I am not the only one that feels this way. To make matters worse, it is most popular as part of a “Hawaiian” pizza. A pie with fruit on it. Seriously? Even Canadians should be embarrassed by this. As if the self-named bacon imposter wasn’t enough, now some genius out there decides it is a good idea to add that along with pineapple as a pizza topping? Gimme a break. That should pretty much cover it for Canadian bacon.

Hawaiian pizza. WTF?!?!

Please understand, as mentioned above, there was never really a need for toppings and I was raised as a pizza purist. Some say you can’t teach a Fatman new eats. But on that fateful wintry night in late 2004, Boston proved that untrue. Admittedly, I have still never ordered a pie with bacon on it. The idea still seems so foreign to me that is just doesn’t cross my mind to do so. But when others have ordered it and there were multiple pies to choose from, I have gone right to the bacon-topped slices. So Bostonians, there is hope. You have taught me that there is something more out there.

Could it be that I was wrong all along? Could it be that I was so hung up on New York having the best pizza to the point that I was unwilling to give Boston pizza joints a fair shake? Could it be that Boston pizza is just as good as New York’s? Okay, let’s not get silly. Let’s remember, this is Boston. And we are talking pizza. Even the sun shine on a dog’s ass some days. But I am thankful that my Bostonian friends were able to expand my pizza-eating horizons. I am a better Fatman because of it. And for that, I thank you Boston. Bacon on pizza. Slices of heaven on slices of heaven.

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4 Responses to “Slices Of Heaven On Slices Of Heaven”

  1. Horno November 21, 2011 at 11:47 am #

    Fatman – – You may want to try a combo of Bacon and Canadian Bacon with no additional toppings beyond the sauce and cheese. I think you will be impressed by how the flavors meld. And yes – fruit on pizza should be outlawed and mandatory sentencing laws enforced.

  2. Jeff Coveney November 22, 2011 at 12:46 pm #

    Come to think of it, I have never had bacon on a pizza either. I may have to try that.

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