i’m not bitter. just scarred.

18 Oct

i hate pumpkin. anything pumpkin, i hate. pumpkin bread. pumpkin spice lattes. pumpkin cookies. pumpkin seeds. pumpkin beer.

but, before you stab me in the eye for being anti-anything-that-is-fall, let me explain myself. once upon a time not long ago, when people wore pajamas and lived life slow (slick rick – respect.)… i attended a youth group event during the fall season. remember, it was high school and i was at the age where i would do anything to impress the older boys. you know, the ones i’m talking about. so there i am sitting in the audience when they pick three people to come up and partake in the friendly competition that is a pumpkin pie eating contest. at this point in my life, i had no beef with pumpkin pie or pumpkins in general… until now.

i proudly made my way to the stage to take my spot in what i thought was going to make me sooo popular. indeed, quite the opposite may or may not have happened. they tied our hands behind our back and the count down began… 5… 4… i can do this. i will win. boys will like me. 3… 2… 1… face in and i took a huge bite…. what happens next scarred me for the rest of my life (hence the blog post). i had an immediate adverse reaction and puked every bit of what i had in my mouth on to the floor. i jumped up and ran to the bathroom only to puke on the wall before getting to the bathroom, and then three more times once i got in the bathroom. i know. i know. nasty.

it’s not a moment i am proud of. and i am pretty sure boys avoided me the rest of the week at school. but now you know why i don’t like pumpkin. and now you know not to offer me a pumpkin flavored beer (for goodness sake just leave the beer alone and don’t flavor it with evil pumpkin nastiness). i am not bitter. i am just scarred.

so all you pumpkin loving crazies out there, enjoy. i don’t hate you. i just hate pumpkin.

pumpkin hater- kteb


8 Responses to “i’m not bitter. just scarred.”

  1. cdog October 18, 2010 at 5:13 pm #

    You know this whole blog just makes me sad. Sad for KTEB. Sad for her missing some of the BEST flavors of the fall. Don’t put it past me to try and trick her into eating something with pumpkin in it…however that may result in the aforementioned pukeage…perhaps I will rethink this plan.

  2. the quivering lips October 18, 2010 at 5:17 pm #

    Reminds me of the movie Stand by Me and the story of “Lard-Ass Hogan”: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TG2gjL-KUqw

    Hogan – what a horrible last name…..but at least people cant butcher it 🙂

  3. DtotheF October 19, 2010 at 7:54 am #

    Many thanks to kteb for bringing the horrors of pumpkin foods to light. They’re a scourge on the human race, sort of along the same lines as pickles, tofu, pickles, mayonnaise and pickles.

  4. kteb October 19, 2010 at 8:53 am #

    ohhh valid point dtothef… my hatred for pumpkins = my hatred for pickles. so for all of you that really know me, must know now how much i really hate pumpkin. if you try and sabotage me, we will no longer be friends. (just kidding about the last statement. but don’t try it.)

  5. ktebcdog September 25, 2012 at 4:50 pm #

    Reblogged this on The Eats and commented:

    every year around this time when pumpkin spice lattes make their way back to the starbucks menu board, i like to remind everyone why i hate pumpkin, so here you go…


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