“Eat it.” – guest blog by dennisf

22 Sep

My wife is the best baker of all time.

This is not my opinion; it’s a fact. For those of you who slept through wood shop, I’ll quickly explain the difference between an opinion and a fact. An opinion is one person’s subjective thoughts on a given situation or topic. A fact is something that’s verified and verifiable.

For example, if you somehow find yourself stapled to a couch watching “The Notebook” with your wife and you observe, “This movie sucks out loud. I’d rather watch Kathy Bates in a hot tub scene with Rex Ryan and Zach Galifianakis,” that’s an opinion. (And a very well-reasoned one at that.)

So then, here are some facts:

  • Pickles are cucumbers dipped in evil. [1]
  • Tomatoes are fruits.
  • Dan Brown cannot write.

You see the difference? Ok, moving on.

For something to truly qualify as a fact, you need evidence that can support your assertion. In the case of Dan Brown, that evidence would be every book he’s ever published. In the case of my wife’s baking prowess, the evidence is overwhelming, so we’ll focus on the most recent example: our daughter’s birthday party.

The theme was cupcakes, and my wife decided to bake a giant cupcake that is roughly the size of a 6th grade volcano science fair diorama, but way yummier. And with homemade icing instead of shitty ketchup-based lava. That took about 4 hours or so. Most moms would’ve stopped there. Pfft. Babies.

Next up were homemade chocolate, vanilla and red velvet cupcakes and 8 kinds of homemade icing that the girls used to decorate their own cupcakes. That seems like enough, right? Child, please. Then there was two kinds of homemade batter that the girls poured into a baby cupcake maker and then decorated those to take home.

But the most indisputably awesome creations were red velvet cake pops. Yes, that means cake, with icing on a lollipop stick. It’s unpossible to adequately describe how crazy good these things are, but here’s the important bits: She made red velvet cake, crumbled it up, then quickly froze it till it was moldable. Next, she covered the little nuggets of goodness with melted white and dark chocolate and sprinkles, hooked up the lollipop stick and chilled them again until they set.

Are they good? Is Joaquin Phoenix batshit crazy? Fool, don’t bother me with stupid questions! Of course they’re good! They’re the best dessert on a stick of all times. And that includes corn dogs. So go ask your wife to make them and then eat that shit up.

Oh, wait, she can’t, because she’s not good enough. My wife is the best baker of all time. Fact.

[1] I flat-out stole that line from kteb. Respect.

2 Responses to ““Eat it.” – guest blog by dennisf”

  1. kteb September 22, 2010 at 9:51 pm #

    i wouldn’t say stolen. kindly borrowed, i would say bc i will let anyone “steal” that saying if they actually mean it. long live pickle haters.


  1. These tacos are making me pukey | The Eats - February 27, 2015

    […] Eat It […]

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