guestblogfrizday (er tuesday): Phantom Pay For Play Must Be Stopped!

6 Jul

by: Fatman

Enough already!  I’ve hit the tipping point of being a Phantom Gourmet “phan” into a hater and am now on a mission.  Simply put…the Andelman’s can suck it.  Food critics, my ass.  Gourmet has left the building (if it was ever there to begin with).  These guys are just a bunch of posers taking money from any shitbag restaurant that will pony up the cash to be “reviewed” on the show.  To be clear, I think these guys are geniuses.  It is a phenomenal business model and one that they have made a killing off of.  And there are plenty of morons that watch (myself included) and look to their guidance to learn about some of Boston’s “best” restaurants.

The Fatman has had it!  I have gone to several of their top reviewed places and all have been sub-par.  In fact, there are a ton of great Boston restaurants and eateries that have never been “reviewed” by these guys that are a million times better than those they have.  Why?  Because they aren’t dumb enough to fall for the cost of doing business with Phantom.  And if this shit isn’t pay for play, these guys just don’t know anything about food.  Case in point…I most recently fell victim to the Phantom this past weekend and the “Phantom Gourmet BBQ Beach Party” which was held at Suffolk Downs in glorious East Boston (can anyone say shithole?!?!)

This was my third time going to the event and it has gotten progressively worse each year.  This year took the cake. They had seven of the “Best Barbecue Teams In The World”.  Who are they kidding?!?!  Ready for this?  Here are your team’s home locations.  Stop me when one of them screams BBQ greatness.  Ready?

Boston (Firefly’s. Classic. Not even remotely close to the best BBQ in Boston)

Philadelphia (Jack’s Down Home Barbeque. Perhaps the worst shit I have ever eaten. And their sauce sucked too. When in Philly, stick with Pat’s and Geno’s)

Chicago (Chicago BBQ Company. Their ribs were about as original as their name. Da Bears and Ditka would be ashamed)

Sydney, Australia (Aussom Aussie BBQ. Not bad, but a long journey. I hope it was kangaroo or koala that I ate…would be a cool story, if nothing else)

Chesapeake, Virginia (Johnson’s Bar-B-Que. These guys definitely looked the part, but like Phantom, they fooled us. Their line was by far the slowest, as was the service. And the ribs sucked)

Massillon, Ohio (see below)

Houston, Texas (Joey’s Texas Thunder BBQ. Definitely the ribs with the most on them, unfortunately, a large portion of it was fat. Not a great representation of what the Lone Star State has to offer)

Juggernauts, indeed.  Okay, at least ONE was from a place that is known for BBQ (Texas), though their ribs were pretty fatty and not all that good.  Oddly enough, in the opinion of the Fatman, the best ribs were served up by Massillion, Ohio-based…ready…  Two Fat Guys BBQ.  Check out the picture of one of the Fat Guys working the grill!

grill master fat guy

Hands down the best sauce at the event.  Unfortunately, this was the only highlight.  Being the best in this group is kind of like me in an eating contest with Christen, Dennis, Katie and Ryan.  Shit, I might outweigh all four of them combined.

I am not even going to waste more time and pissed off energy on these so-called “Best in the World” places.  Can someone tell me where the rib joints from Kansas City, St. Louis, Memphis and North Carolina were?  Wait, they were probably at a real competition rather than wasting away in East Boston for three days.

The Fatman is a huge BBQ fan.  In fact, while Mrs. Fatman was pregnant with Fatbaby (neither are fat…just me), we took a trip to Memphis…yes, Memphis.  Why?  Three glorious letters: BBQ.  Okay, Elvis and some other shit too, but my personal highlight was the BBQ and the amazing aroma that wafted throughout the city. And I can tell you that NONE of these Phantom places were remotely close to any of the five joints in Memphis that we tried…and we didn’t even really like one of the Memphis places.

Ahhh, and they were pimping the hell out of Bud, Bud Light and that Bud Lime shit (whatever they call it).  What self-respecting “Gourmet” would serve this piss (at $6 per bottle) at an event that supposedly had some of the best BBQ pitmasters in the country?  Clearly local favorites like Harpoon, Ipswitch (yeahhhhh Paulie!!!) and Sam Adams were smart enough to stay away and not allow their great names to be associated with this mess.  And I thank all three for that.  Budweiser and the Phantom GourMESS are perfect together.  They are both crap.  And the East Boston location was a rotten cherry on top.

Oh, and don’t even get me started on their Phantom Gourmet Gift Card.  They tout “over 150 restaurants” accept the card.  Take a look at that stellar list.  Phucking clowns.  Yup, they have a listing of 154 restaurants.  Among them: 8 British Beer Company, 6 Fresh Catch Seafood & Deli, 14 Not Your Average Joes…and numerous others that are listed with their multiple locations.  I have nothing against the aforementioned establishments, but when 28 of your “over 150” restaurants are actually THREE establishments, the integrity question comes into play once again.  Shit, the Phraud Gourmet should try to partner with McDonald’s while they are at it, so they can boost their numbers and maybe even steal the “Billions Served” bullshit while they are at it.

I am Fatman.  I ate Robin and if the Phantom doesn’t watch out, he’s next!


3 Responses to “guestblogfrizday (er tuesday): Phantom Pay For Play Must Be Stopped!”

  1. mbt shoes July 19, 2010 at 7:41 pm #

    Thanks for making my morning a little bit better with this great article!!


  1. these are a few of my favorite things (right now) | KtebCdog's Blog - September 7, 2010

    […] BBQ- is and will always be a like of mine. ok, ok, a love of mine. geez- get off my back. i love bbq. i love everything about it. when i say bbq, i am talking southern-ified pulled pork with the badass ketchup-vinegar-based awesomesauce that makes my mouth shout with joy. i didn’t get that this weekend, but i got some bbq that made my mouth joyful. the bro-in-law and i won when we suggested bbq for lunch, much to other’s chagrin. however, after it all was said and done (or eaten in this case), everyone had a fantabulous meal and we left uncomfortably full and happy. my kind of lunch. bbq is also a love/like of FATMAN […]

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    […] you should keep in mind is that I am not “grading” places a la Zagat’s or that purple fraud. The best way to look at this guide (of sorts) is one New Yorker’s comparison and perspective of […]

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