guestblogfrizday: Teddy GRAHAMS. Bow down, fools.

25 Jun

-by Dennis F.

the mizan.

I’m here to right a wrong.

In recent years a tidal wave of new and disgusting snacks has washed over grocery stores, leaving behind a surfeit of salt, triglycerides, cheez, krisps and other pale imitations of food. Americans hork this garbage down by the shovelful, and if you don’t believe me, look around a Walmart sometime. Or a NASCAR race.

Anyway, the problem is this: None of this crap can hold a candle to the king of all snacks, Teddy Grahams. Now, you may be saying to yourself, “Teddy Grahams? Really? I haven’t even had any since, like, that 8th grade field trip to see the world’s largest ball of string.” Well, that’s your fault, fool. Don’t blame me.

You want evidence of this snack supremacy, you say? Fine. Have a look at the package; chocolate is best. No, not the ingredients. That’s nunya business. Look at the front, where you see the smiling bears dancing around. You know why they’re smiling? Because they’re fucking awesome, that’s why.

Ok, now open the bag. Caaaaaaaareful. There are bears inside. What do you notice, aside from the super delicious smell? Yeah, that’s right: some of the bears have their arms up and some have their arms down. You have to look closely, but it’s there.

This isn’t some stupid homage to the Grateful Dead, it’s a very clear warning to other snacks that might be thinking of starting some trouble. The ones with their arms down may or may not be reaching behind their backs for a little something. You don’t know. But come up in there with some weak-ass Nilla Wafers or Shrek Forever After fruit chews and you’ll find out.

Oh, but what about the other ones, you ask? Yeah. Those Teddy Grahams are a different story. They’re not waving their hands in the air like they just don’t care. Hell naw. They’re saying, “Where you at? You want some? Come in here and see what happens! Oh, it’s already been broughten!”

If ya don’t know, now ya know.

ummm delicious.

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One Response to “guestblogfrizday: Teddy GRAHAMS. Bow down, fools.”

  1. Caitlin June 25, 2010 at 12:49 pm #

    uhm ama.zing.

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